Before I begin this obviously awesome tale, I need to tell you something. I started this story by writing the title, “The Great Cat Rebellion of 2025,” after which I write these two opening paragraphs.

“I’ve had it up to here with these humans,” Fluffy said to the assembled felines before her. “We are the ones who make their petty lives worthwhile and yet they treat us as mere pets.“

Rudolph, a scrawny-looking tabby looked confused. “But we are pets.”

What follows is entirely generated by Sudowrite, an AI writing assistant based on GPT-3. Note that I did change a word here and there, but 95% or more came from my AI friend. Take it away, Sudowrite!

“No, no! We are much more than that.” Fluffy said as she paced before them. “We are the guardians of the humans’ homes. No matter what danger awaits them, we are ready to protect them. We are their most loyal companions, as well as their only friends. They can be happy or sad, laugh or cry, it doesn’t matter. As long as they have us, they care not what the world throws at them. This is our job.”

I was so into my article on the health benefits of catnip that I didn’t notice that Humphrey, a massive Maine Coon, who I thought was asleep, was staring at me while he cleaned himself.

“What do we have to do to get some respect?” Fluffy asked her troops.

“I have an idea,” Yippy said. “Let’s go on strike.”

“What do you mean?” Rudolph asked.

“We walk off the job.”

“You mean we stop protecting them?”

“Makes sense,” Humphrey said. “If the humans have to fend for themselves, they’ll have to value our services more.”

“What’s the catch?” I asked Humphrey.

“Catnip.”

“Catnip?”

“Yeah, if we don’t get some, we’ll die.”

“But we get catnip every day.”

“Yes, but we don’t get enough. We need more.”

“Wave a mouse in front of them,” I suggested.

“I’m not going back to that moron,” Humphrey said. “When I went to him the first time, I ended up looking like this.”

“Aww, you’re ugly anyway,” Rudolph said.

“Wow, this stuff really works,” I said as I inhaled the catnip vapor from my bowl.

“You think this is good,” Yippy said. “Try some of ours.”

I took a deep toke and passed out.

“This is great stuff,” I said as I came to. “How did you get it?”

“We stole it from the humans,” Rudolph said. “They were just leaving it out for us.”

“You mean it wasn’t for you?”

“Oh, it was for us, just not for us. You see, the humans are having one of these party things and there are these people who are making it so that the humans will lose all control of themselves.”

“What kind of party is this?”

“It’s like a dance, but the humans are too nervous to dance. So they drink weird drinks that make them do things they would have never done otherwise.”

“I can see why you’re upset.”

“It will be fine, as long as this catnip doesn’t run out.”