As we enter October, the month of spooky, we turn our attentions to all the scary things that hide in the dark places. Like zombies.

Yeah, I know. Zombies are scary undead things that eat brains. The whole “eating your brain” thing would be (or should be) scary enough, but the fact that you then turn into a filthy, smelly, parts falling off, undead thing yourself is also pretty bad. And even though I agree that it’s pretty bad, there’s something you need to know about zombies before you go passing final judgement.

Zombies are actually just big goofy creatures that love gummies. You know? Gummies? Like in gummy bear. Yeah, those.

Anyhow, zombies also have X-ray vision and can see into your head. On account of them being undead and all, they tend to lack in smarts, not to mention healthy living brains. By the time they turn into zombies, they’re getting hungry and they’re out looking for food. They don’t have any money and they don’t communicate well, but they do have X-ray vision. Using their X-ray vision, they see people wandering around with a huge juicy gummy in their heads and they head straight for it. They don’t want to kill you. They just want to have some of your big juicy gummy. Unfortunately, when they bite into your head, and realize that your gummy has gone bad (given that it’s really a brain), they move on to the next person. Sadly for you, you’ve had your head cracked open by a zombie, which results in your being mostly dead, but also very infected with zombie germs. After some time, which varies depending on your body weight, you also (sadly) turn into a zombie.

A hungry zombie. A zombie hungry for gummies. And possessing of X-ray vision.

So, next time a zombie attacks you, just remember that it’s not really trying to kill you. If that makes you feel any better.