Many people today have told me that Donald Trump has bugged their phones. They have no proof, of course, but after hearing so many people telling me the same story, and you know they can't all be lying, I'm starting to think that Donald Trump has bugged my phone as well. Honestly, I'm getting really worried about how far this whole illegal surveillance actually goes.

To that end, I'm launching an investigation into these illegal activities. If you're one of the potentially millions of people whose phones have been wiretapped by Donald Trump, let me know here. All I'm asking is that we get to the bottom of this and uncover the truth. Democracy, privacy, decency, and quite possibly the future of our coal industry depend upon this.

The truth is out there. Somewhere. Possibly hidden in a box and buried deep underground, but we shouldn't let that stop us from digging it up.