horror

31
Aug

Why You Shouldn't Fear the Zombie Apocalypse

I've been thinking a lot about the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Not that I actually think one is coming mind you, but it's a rather popular topic of discussion with lots of people speculating on how one might survive such a cataclysmic event. And yes, I've seen "Shaun of the Dead", which was great fun to watch, and yes, I've seen other zombie movies and shows with variations on zombies like the Banelings on "Legend of the Seeker". Some of these stories, I will admit, have sent the occasional chill up my spine. Oh, and I did see Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" as well.

But I don't believe in Zombies. So why am I spending time thinking about the Zombie Apocalypse?

Zombies, in case you don't know, are a particular class of undead. Through some version of curses, voodoo rituals, magic spells, or radioactive fallout, these are essentially dead people come back to life. Not in a good way like, "hey, I get a second life because I got 500,000 points on level 1" but more like pieces of you have started to rot and fall off so you really look kind of gross walking around dragging your sorry ass around the streets (usually in gangs of other zombies) and making noises like "ehgh, awrh, uhh" which I know sounds like some people you know who are still alive but that's not the point.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Zombies also have a thing for brains. They eat brains, specifically the brains of the living which does have a yuck factor. 

The point is that zombies are fragile. With all those body parts barely hanging on and ready to fall off, a good whack with a cricket bat or a piece of pipe (both of these objects are always lying about during zombie apocalypses, by the way) is all it takes to knock some of those pieces off. Yeah, they sort of keep coming until you separate their heads from their bodies, or as with the aforementioned Banelings, burn them with wizard's fire. I know what you're thinking. "Dude, there are no wizards around to burn them." There are also no zombies but for the sake of argument, we're going to pretend we are in the middle of an all-out zombie infestation. 

Where was I? Oh yeah. Brains. So with all these fragile parts, how in Hell does a zombie even manage to bite into a human skull. Skulls are nature's crash helmet and they're made of material that pound for pound (or kilogram for kilogram) is stronger than concrete. And these guys are rotting and falling apart. Those teeth are no more stable than the rest of them. I've seen zombie teeth and you know what? They look awful.

When I was in my teens, I bit into an apple and one of my teeth snapped off right at the base. There isn't an apple out there that is anywhere near as tough as a skull and that apple managed to take out one of my teeth, and I am very much alive. And was then too. 

In short, zombies are way too fragile. The best they could hope for is to gnaw slowly at your head, or gum it, which while it would be kind of gross and disgusting, is something you'd easily survive. At worst, they would become an annoyance, sort of like giant june bugs. Big and creepy, but harmless.

So don't fret the zombie apocalypse, because even it does happen, you'll be fine. Just grossed out.

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